For years, I spent more time than I care to admit chasing after men, trying to convince the man du jour that he really did like me. It felt terrible. With each rejection, I felt worse and worse about myself and my love life. I didn’t understand what I was doing wrong by calling men first, asking them out, and showing interest.
Little did I know a critical part of dating and finding a relationship is figuring out how to make him chase you instead.
Without fail, when I put myself directly in the driver’s seat when it came to my interactions with guys, it backfired completely. The devastating heartbreak continued until I learned a few things about the way guys are simply hardwired differently than we are.
Why should you make a man chase you?
People get angry when I say that men are hunters who like the chase. And I understand why. On the surface, it sounds like I’m saying something demeaning. Those words, “the chase,” seem like I’m implying that men are not worthy or good enough for women to show interest in them.
Men always swear up and down that, if a woman they were attracted to showed interest, they would love it. And they’re not lying about this. Unfortunately, women and men have very different definitions of “showing interest.” Male attraction requires two things: Sexual attraction and effort.
As Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger says, “the penis does the picking.” If a man isn’t physically attracted to you, he won’t feel any real drive to get more of your attention. You might have wonderful conversations that last hours. You might have sex. You might see “real potential” in him and fall head over heels. Unfortunately, if he doesn’t find you sexually attractive, the relationship will never progress beyond the friends-with-benefits zone.
The second very powerful and less understood part of this equation is that masculine energy is most happy when it’s achieving something. Achievement in relationships resides in the masculine realm of men. Making a woman happy is an achievement. So is proposing and “bringing home the bacon.”
In the early stages of dating, masculine achievement looks like the process of getting you to agree to little things that indicate you’re interested. Simple things like, “getting a number,” then “getting a woman to text/call back,” then “she agreed to a date” are all achievements.
This is why sometimes dudes high-five each other after getting women’s numbers at bars. In the smallest way possible, they’ve won at something. Personally, I’ve never had a contest with my girlfriends to see how many dude’s numbers we can round up over the course of an evening. I’m willing to bet you haven’t either.
Here’s the problem with chasing men.
In most parts of our modern lives, the hot pursuit strategy works pretty darn well. Want that job? Get that job or forge your own path. Want that house? Save up and buy it for yourself. Want that man? Well, now that’s where it gets tricky.
It’s super tempting to fall into the trap of thinking that we should be able to make things happen in relationships the same way we do in the rest of our lives. Namely, Herculean effort. Not only does extreme effort not work, but trying too hard is a quick way to completely sabotage things.
One reason that pursuing men doesn’t work is that the energy of accomplishment and striving is masculine energy. He can’t achieve if you march over, tell him he’s hot, and announce that you want to see him next Tuesday at 8 pm while thrusting your business card at him. There is no mystery. You’ve grabbed the masculine role in your interactions.
The second reason why pursuing men fails is that you launch yourself squarely into “here’s why you should like me” territory. You’re very innocently giving your power away and giving off a repellent, needy vibe.
Instead, here’s how to make him chase you:
1. Don’t organize your life around him.
Continue with your own routine and don’t exclude or skip anything that you would normally do in your daily routine just because you feel like you need to make time for him.
Example: Don’t skip your daily gym sesh for him or taking time to yourself for some needed self-care.
How to do it right: Don’t make it seem like you’re constantly busy 24/7 or he’ll take it as though you’re not interested. Find a sliver of time for him and make it look like you were able to squeeze some time into your busy day just for him. Don’t suddenly stop working toward your dreams, quit your hobbies, or whatever to make him the center of your world.
2. Use your natural feminine magnetism.
Being a woman is something that will force his attention towards you but you have to show him you’re interested without doing all of the work.
Example: Using your feminine energy looks like being happy, playful, flirtatious, and receptive to his advances. He must be the one to pursue more of your time and attention while you allow and enjoy that attention.
How to do it right: Don’t say yes to everything. When a man shows you he’s interested by regularly getting in touch and trying to date you, let him. Make him fit himself into your plans and life as you maintain your own life.
3. Make him think about you.
Whenever you are with him, make sure to do something memorable before you leave him for the day or night, so that he can’t stop thinking about you.
Example: When you are on a date make sure you’re the last one to kiss him on your way out the door so that he can’t stop thinking about the next time he can feel your lips on his.
How to do it right: Don’t do something over the top like being intimate with him before you’re ready or giving him what he wants. Leave some things to the imagination and don’t let him lead you to do something you’re not comfortable with.
4. Have faith that the right man will eventually pursue you.
Trust that if a man doesn’t advance toward you, he’s giving you a gentle “no” or “not right now” and let him fall away. If he’s not meant for you or doesn’t want to get to know you then he won’t actively chase you.
Example: Try manifesting the right man, knowing he will come for you at the right time and that you are worthy. If this man thinks you’re worth the chase he will come after you and pursue you.
How to do it right: Don’t try all the tricks in the book to make him chase you. There’s not so much you can do spiritually to force someone to go after you. It’ll happen with time.
5. Be mysterious.
Stop trying to prove your worth or explain why you would be good together. He needs to figure that out on his own and if he’s really interested he’ll be the one asking all or just the same amount of questions you ask him. The right one will be so captivated he won’t be able to imagine letting you go.
Example: When he asks what you typically do on dates, don’t mention your dating rules or explain why the two of you would be a good match. Instead, give him maybe a half answer to what he wants to know so that way if he really wants to know more about you he will chase you and try and understand you.
How to do it right: Don’t give him non-answers. Refusing to ask a question or skipping to a new topic might seem suspicious and weird.
6. Develop activities together.
Try and figure out some hobbies, activities, or games that the two of you might like even if that’s starting a new show together with him on Netflix. Make him think about you the next time he wants to do that thing and he will reach out to you.
Example: Plan a date around doing something together like playing games or going to a trivia night, and even if it’s not a physical thing, it could be sending certain memes just to each other.
How to do it right: Don’t actively try and text him or call him to hang out whenever you want to do a similar thing with him, or send too many memes. Let him be the one to catch on and think of you just as much as you think of him.
7. Send him a flirty text or picture.
If you nonchalantly send him a couple of flirty texts or maybe a sexy picture, he will immediately think of you and want to see you again.
Example: Throw on a cute outfit and maybe a little makeup and send him a picture or a text that you felt cute today and let him respond.
How to do it right: Don’t do anything too far like sending nudes or sexts because then you might turn the relationship into something more casual and maybe what you weren’t looking for.
8. Don’t contact him.
This is probably the oldest trick in the book but surprisingly it works sometimes. If you’ve been on a date with a guy you really like and maybe you asked him out the first time, let him take the effort to chase you next.
Example: Don’t text him after a date or after he sent you a message. Give him some time to realize you didn’t respond and he will text you back if he wants to keep talking and getting to know you.
How to do it right: Don’t wait too long to text him or he might think you are ghosting him. It’s best to wait for him to text back and then you can respond as usual. However, if he doesn’t text back the first time, then there might not be a strong attraction there.
9. Be a first for him.
When you’re getting to know him ask about something he’s never done and plan your next date, or maybe your first date, around that.
Example: Ask him what he hasn’t done before or maybe something he hasn’t tried before and then plan a date around that. If that’s never eating sushi, then go to a sushi restaurant for dinner and experience a first with him and he will remember that experience with you in his mind.
How to do it right: Don’t do something that will take things too far, like taking his virginity or something intense that’s too personal. If things turn for the worst, I’m sure you don’t want to be a part of an important memory that he will remember for the long term.
10. Don’t immediately try to define the relationship.
While it’s important to know what you’re looking for as you’re dating, you can’t expect a relationship from every guy you meet. Don’t be afraid to take things casual at first and see where they go.
Example: Be open about what you’re looking for if and when he asks, but make a note that you’re realistic about dating and don’t force him to define the relationship right away.
How to do it right: If the relationship ends up being too casual, don’t act like you’re into it and let him know that’s not what you actually wanted. If he doesn’t want things to be more serious then you should get out while you can so your feelings don’t get hurt.
I used to think that showing a man obvious interest by moving things along was confident, not needy. When I dug deeper, I realized that the reason this behavior is deemed “needy” is that I really wanted the guy to chase me and be interested in me! If a man rejected me, it ruined my whole day.
People want things that are precious and rare.
And precious, you hardly look rare while you’re blowing up his phone and falling all over him trying to get a date or reassurance that he wants you. Quitting the chase was like getting off the ‘man drugs’. Once I kicked the habit, I found that the quality of men who pursued me increased astronomically.
To make him miss you, you have to let your guard down and let him take initiative. That will show you that he wants to make effort to see and talk to you because a part of him misses you.
If you’re not the first to text him, then you will be on his mind when he realizes you didn’t respond to him.
A man’s feelings can’t grow and intensify for you if you’re standing over him, hands-on-hips, wondering if he’s in love with you yet. You have to make him feel addicted to you.